Finished “Killers of the Flower Moon”

I just finished listening to the audio version of “Killers of the Flower Moon”. They did an excellent job with the performances. The author did an amazing job digging into all the details he could about the murders of the Osage here in Oklahoma about 100 years ago. My white Grandpa had remembered the murders. He would mention how that the Indians were killed for their oil head rights. He thought that there was no name on the head right certificates and that the Indians were literally being robbed of the head rights. Then the thieves presented the paper to the right people and was given the money. My Grandpa was still in grade school when that piece of history was unfolding and obviously had misunderstood the details. But he vividly remembered the fear and shock that went through the regular populace at learning that entire families were being killed and millions of dollars stolen. The general feeling he remembered was indignant disbelief that a families money could be taken over by another family. They did not fully understand that these murderers actually married into the families to inherit the money through family ties. No matter how sensationalized and shocking the murders were, people in general still could not realize the full cold calculating measures that people who were already rich would go to in order to get the money of the Native Peoples.

Even now I feel shocked and nauseated by the entire horrible story. I feel tears in my heart, but resignation to the fact that evil exists in the world around me. If you choose to be a person of peace and decency in a world with evil, the evil gravitates towards that and wants to destroy it. Like Paul said in the Bible, “We are like sheep to the slaughter. All day long we are killed for your name’s sake.” We are hunted and killed for walking a peaceful path, like Jesus did. I wish the Osage had gotten to keep that money. I am sure they would have done something good with it.

I can’t understand how much these rich and powerful people need. Do they have to have everything? How rich do they need to be? Do they have to kill to get money when they already have all they need and want and more? It still goes on today and I cannot reconcile myself to it. The selfishness and wastefulness of it stuns me every time I notice it.

At the end of the book when the author was talking about how many more murders happened that no one even investigated, the next door neighbor kids went out in the front yard, which is connected to my front yard, and started making owl hooting sounds very loudly. As the IdIoTTwins know very well, I was taught that owls are messengers of death by my Cherokee Granny. I don’t know if the fact that the neighbor kids are Mexican was supposed to be part of the message or not. But it was another of innumerable messages of death and intimidation sent to me on a daily basis by these rich IdIoTTwins. Another group of people who have all they need and want and more, but that’s not enough. They have to follow me around and scare and intimidate me all the time.

Even before I listened to this book I had long known my mother actually hated me. She would beat me, torture me, and sit and glare at me with hatred for hours on end. I couldn’t understand how anyone could hate me that completely. The fact that she was my mom made it even more shocking. She glared at my Dad the same way. She also glared at my sister that way. When I was ten years old I asked her outright if she hated me. Can you imagine a ten year old child feeling so hated by her mom that she actually asks her if she hates her? I expected to get backhanded, but my mom made this big fake dramatic show acting like she was too hurt by me to even speak to me. She went to my Dad and sister and made a big show of acting like I had verbally attacked her, when I had asked her the question very calmly and matter-of-factly. I was forced to tell her I loved her and then sent to my bedroom indefinitely. I staid out of her way for several days while she moped around getting sympathy. Then she went back to her usual mean way of treating all of us, and it was back to life as normal.

I don’t know what program from hell I have been born into, but I believe now that I have the age and wisdom of how people really function, that I know my mom just married my Dad to get whatever they got from being in this “program”. I think she was prejudiced and hated us. I think she resented having to marry Dad and have us kids. I think the people behind this program are prejudiced, cruel, and outright evil. I think they will go out of their way to hurt someone when there is no reason to hurt the person. I think they get a thrill out of feeling the power of hurting someone. They especially like to hurt me because I see right through them. I have seen right through all of this since I was a kid.

People always commented on how I didn’t seem like a kid, but like an adult since I was 5 years old. I don’t like theatrics and stunts in relationships. I didn’t have the words to put it like that as a kid, but I felt that way. These people behind the program are very theatrical and silly. If they weren’t completely evil and dangerous, they would be too flighty and frivolous to even take notice of.

The way my mom talked about her birth family as her “real family” was always unnerving to me. She would tell me how she had always dreamed of having a family from childhood and would tell me what kind of daughter she dreamed of. The daughter she dreamed of was basically Shirley Temple. I honestly think my mom was crazy. I was about as opposite of Shirley Temple as a child could possibly be. She was forever disappointed in me and told everyone that I took after my Dad, like that was a bad thing.

Mom provoked and harassed my Dad mercilessly. If we were having a quiet day as a family, she would start a fight with one of us and eventually have everyone fighting. My Dad and her fought through the night almost every night of my years with the family. When I got married and it was quiet at night, I would lay in bed and silently sob. I would shudder at the shock of realizing what I had been through for 18 years. My sister said when she got married, she had the same reaction. Our mom hated all of us. I am relieved that she is dead and I don’t have to talk to her anymore. Her “real” family kept her ashes. They can have her. She never wanted any of us anyway.

Her “real” family is just as mean as she was. They are some of the most horrible people who have ever walked this earth. They lie, cheat, steal, and murder. Mom even told me stupid stories about one of her brothers being at a guys house when he was shot, but he didn’t know who shot the guy. He got up and left before the Sheriff could show up. He was lying low until the investigation was over. Translation: her brother was part of the shooting, may have actually pulled the trigger, and was hiding from law enforcement. That was only about 10 years ago. She told me outlandish stories like that all the time about her family. I wondered if she was lying, confused, actually thought I was dumb enough to believe such a story, and in general simply did not want anything at all to do with her “real” family.

Her one brother told the other one that he had made him do things he never would have done on his own. He said he ruined his entire life. Mom just kept pushing them back together to keep her “real” family at peace. There was never any peace in her “real” family. All those people do is fight. I don’t think one of them even has a real internal understanding of the reality of peace. I think if things are quiet they start fights just like my mom did. They can have each other. I’m glad I don’t live near them.

Speaking of no peace. I poured Clorox Gel down my drains because they were draining kind of slow. It was just the stuff that is made to clear out hair clogs. It was not the heavy duty stuff that they sell. When I washed the stuff down the pipes my back room flooded with at least an inch of water. I have no idea how they made that happen. I have to spend money on a plumber tomorrow. My uncle, the leader of the “real” family, is a plumber. He probably sent people down here from Missouri to sabotage my home. I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

It’s horrible to grow up and become an adult, live life as best as you can, to realize as you go that your own mom and her family hate you. In the book some of the kids of the marriage between the racist murderers and the Osages’ worried that they had bad blood. They worried they would be murderers or something dark. They weren’t, of course. People that are mean like that don’t worry about being mean. They revel in it. Simply being concerned about something like that shows it isn’t in you.

But my mom wasn’t even fake motherly to me. She was cruel, vicious, and lived for cheap shots. She was meaner to me that the meanest girls in any school I ever went to. She called me fat, bitch, stupid, and said I was purposely causing problems between her and Dad. All I did was tell the truth that she slapped us around and screamed at us all the time. Basically, I was punished for telling the truth. While I sat there with her hitting me and throwing things at me, I would think inside that she was pathetic, crazy, and morally weak. I knew I wasn’t like her in that way. On the other hand I had something like her in me that my sister and Dad didn’t have. I have worked to keep that place as a part of my whole being and to not gravitate to it and stay there. I can go to a place inside where I don’t feel anything. I saw my mom go to that place inside herself when she was preparing to attack us. Nothing could make her relent. She felt nothing for any of us at all.

These IdIoTTwins have sent people consistently to say my mom was a hero, and she had to suffer. Every time I tell of how violent and cruel she was they send someone to say she was the greatest person on the earth and that my loving Dad was horrible. Seriously? My Dad loved me and cared for me and my sister. Mom beat us and mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and morally abused us. I am supposed to think inside myself that mom was right? I think they really think they have brainwashed me to believe that. That must have been what they were trying to do. It didn’t work. She was a horrible, miserable wretch and that’s exactly the kind of person she was when she died. She never softened or changed at all.

I found something profound in the book I just listened to. One of the old Osage in talking about all the death and evil the tribe endured said that they take care of themselves and grow old to honor the ones that came before them. That was very moving for me. I have despaired and wanted to kill myself. I have taunted these monsters hoping they would kill me. I have begged for someone to release me from this hell. All my original family is dead. I never got to have kids. My husband is 3,000 miles away from me and probably won’t be able to move in with me for 10 years. It’s way too early for him to retire. I am on disability for PTSD from all this evil and trauma I have endured on this earth. I just can’t function well out in the general public anymore. Especially when I am constantly being threatened in a myriad of ways every time I step out of my door. But the old Osage person is right. I am wrong. It is right to live and do well because someone sacrificed and worked hard to get each and every one of us on the earth. I need to live as well as I can for my Dad and those who came before me.

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