Quicksand, Clown Style

I am wearing away to practically no energy, muddled thoughts, disorganized, can’t keep a routine, semi-sick with a “cold”, and constant disjointed, crazy buzzing sounds of being gaslighted. Apparently, even though I am 52, I don’t understand anything, am not capable of anything, have completely irrational fears, and am a hopeless case. But I keep going. I can hear the echoes of those around me for a lifetime of, “We tried to talk to her, but she just doesn’t get it…. Bless her heart.” “Bless her heart” is a very nice blessing, if it is meant. If it is used to gaslight someone by acting like they are crazy, then it is not nice at all. It is vicious. I’ve had a lifetime of “bless her heart”. It’s exhausting. I have also had the constant equivalent in less nice forms, “She’s hopeless.” “She can’t see.” “She tries, but….” or “She is mean.” “She keeps questioning me.” “She keeps challenging me.” “She just does what she thinks is right.” (which is the result of either asking for clarification and being treated like an incompetent fool, or I am just doing what I think is right because I don’t agree with the alternative.). “She’s headstrong.” “She doesn’t have a mind of her own.” “She can’t keep up.” “She’s too intense.” “She daydreams.” If you are being gaslighted the only thing ever said about you is what will get the people involved whatever THEY want. You do not matter at all. That’s how it works in my life. But unlike having to deal with some nasty, jealous person among a lot of people who are either neutral or friendly to me, I have to deal with this on some grand level. I don’t know really who is behind my life, but I know they have power and do not have my best interest at heart.

Every single day is a constant torture and gaslighting session. It’s not “all in my head”. It is also in my body. You know, you just don’t realize how many every day things can be used to make people sick, confused, dazed, scared, euphoric when you want them to trust you, and just about any single emotion, symptoms, or combinations thereof that can be easily used, if the person using it knows what they are doing. I never thought much of it, but I have thought about it more and more as my life has been taken away from me by degrees. Before I lost my job I had become the type of person who had Clorox bleach wipes in her office and wiped down her office. I also wiped down the common areas, sometimes on a daily basis. But they managed to tamper with my food in the common refrigerator. I got my own refrigerator. I had had one before, but even though almost everyone on the floor had one in an office or shared with an officemate, mine had to go. Supposedly mine was an electrical risk and therefore a fire hazard. Another person on the floor had the exact same kind I had, but she got to keep hers. If stupid stuff is happening like this to you, then be aware. And then they started with the smells. Apparently they use strong smell to put stuff in it. Some of it can make me feel like I am having seizures or even a heart attack.

Now that I am living mostly alone, they just put it in the air. Sometimes it just smells like a hospital with the antiseptic smell even though I have not used anything like that. It will go on for hours. They used to have my husband make all kinds of excuses and I would be left at home alone in Alaska and the whole house would smell like that for a day. Smells can go on for days, but that is not nearly as bad down here. In Alaska I smelled smoke, like a forest fire, for at least a year. I took scarves and put drier sheets in them and wrapped them around my face at night trying to smell something other than smoke. Maybe they can do something in the brain that makes you smell that, but I smelled it forever. I cannot explain how much we are actually like dogs, but we don’t realize it. It is not normal to only smell one thing. It messes with you mentally. You can’t remember things as well. It’s harder to remember who you were talking to, where you were, what was going on at the time…. It’s interesting until it is maddening. That without sleep was literally driving me insane. And then all the gaslighting, making me have seizures, giving me extreme pain to live with like chronic pain… it has literally been torture.

It is still going on. Just because it is not as horrible as Alaska does not mean it is not still going on. I write about it because I want it documented. And if they do me like they did in Alaska beating me down until I can no longer explain or function at least I tried to reach out to someone somewhere to help me. I am afraid it will be used to just further the nuances and perfection of torture, but even if that is the case, who has a chance if they don’t know what is happening to them?

It seems ridiculous. That’s how they get by with it. That’s why I call it “clown style”. They make you seem ridiculous. They laugh and tell you to lighten up. They tell other people to just laugh about it and try to make you see it isn’t a big deal. They clown around and say, “Would we joke around about this if she was really in danger?” And they kill people this way. It mainly comes from suicide or accidents, but it is murder just the same.

The most ignorant and ridiculous gaslighting of all is pretending you can’t understand what is written because the grammar is wrong. It’s also ridiculous to pretend you are a genius because you do well at grammar. It’s especially ridiculous when you know the person making all the claims has access to high levels of academia and government and can pay to make the grammar changed to anything he wants it to be. It’s a joke. A very expensive, stupid joke that only the gullible and those lacking in a firm sense of self would fall for. It has never worked on me. Another reason for the preening clown to hate me.

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