Last week was busy. Appointments. Errands. A visit with family. Nothing out of the normal. Except for the fainting, night terrors, excessive exhaustion, confusion, and mind numbing, soul crushing stupidity. Do you ever feel you are just being beaten down by the stupid? Everything you do, every where you go, every person you have to interact with, and the overall state of the world – extreme, excessive, exhausting stupidity? The more everything is supposed to help, it hurts. The more convenient the more it wastes your time. The more you put into something the less you get out of it. Until you are in your personal Middle Ages knowing why the historical Middle Ages were also called Mid-Evil Times. I mean, I know it is spelled Medieval Times, but we hear it like, Mid-Evil Times. In my own personal Mid-Evil Times I have come to realize that really stupid, evil people are in charge of the world and are abusing our goodness, our faiths, our common sense, our time which is the most precious commodity we have, and the power of our own internal energies to accomplish anything. Maybe a few lucky people get these fulfilling lives we hear about. I think they are just the carrot-on-the-stick example for the rest of us. But in reality everything is a mess, no one takes responsibility, and we have no real power to change anything. Let’s face it. If we could change this mess, we would.
Last week my clothes were doped when they thought they knew what I would wear. It smells like pot. I have never used pot. I don’t use it now. I am sure that is not the lie spread about me by the professional lie-network which they like to refer to as a spy-network, but I have not. I have been a very rare person in life. I wanted quality of life over quantity of life. The more the masses did things, the less likely I would do it. I saw from childhood that life has a spiritual side. As I studied, I saw that everyone trying to have a spiritual life sacrificed physical things to try to attain it. Food, sleep, popularity, riches…just to name a little of what these people would sacrifice to try to find something more than just existing. I had a very bleak and depressing childhood, but as I grew I decided to count it as sacrifice and spend more time praying, studying, and practicing what I learned. I made good grades. I stayed out of trouble. I studied the Bible for myself. I didn’t go after parties and shallow things to try to establish a fake peer group. I tried to keep my peer group to who I would really like to have as a peer. I just needed a few people who were really trying in life and not just “trolling” as the slang calls it now. I think of it as trolling in fishing as opposed to actually fishing. I feel most people really are trolling and just pulling in whatever snaps the line instead of purposely fishing for something specific in a studied manner. I have not lived a “trolling” life.
I’m still not trolling. But what I have learned is I am living in a fishbowl. At the last job I had the laughed about putting me in the “fishbowl”, an office space in the middle of the floor with glass windows people could look in. The IdIoTTwins Powers That Be think stupid puns like that are hilarious. They are easy and very rigidly constructed jokes, so they would find that fun. They are stupid, rigidly constructed fools. Their personalities, if you can call them plural personalities or even a personality, fit such a ridiculously obvious construct. After I realized all this “coincidence” in my life was no coincidence I realized that I have a steady stream of memories as far back as I can remember that are full of this nonsense. As a child we are taught nonsense. Unfortunately, it turns out that no matter how much we try to think childhood was nonsensical and life has a sense to it, it turns out in my life at any rate that it is all one and the same. I still think the spiritual is real, but we live in a physical world. They can rigidly micromanage our physical world. That is what I have experienced for my entire life.
This last week was no different. Here is a list of some of what they micromanaged, micro-attacked last week:
migraines, bowel problems, smells on my clothing that trigged those and smells in my enviroment
made me pass out at the doctor’s office. I am sure it was all set up, but it was horrible. I had such flashbacks when I was lying on that floor gasping for breath, my heart racing, and my body already starting to ache from the fall
many driving distresses, but I managed them all. The secret is to use the flashers and slow down, or even pull over for a minute. Still, it is very scary sometimes and I know they don’t have the right safety practices to make sure I am safe. My Dad’s words ring in my ears all the time, “Watch out for them because they are NOT watching out for you!” “They are all watching out for themselves!” I had no idea he meant everything in life and not just while driving. When I drive, though, it comes back to me like he is in the car with me, teaching me to drive all over again.
blatant stupidity that I had to do, like I had to drive all the way to Tahlequah just to fill out a piece of paper in the hopes that I will be put back with my therapist I bonded with. She was smart and knew what she was doing. They don’t want that for me. They don’t want me well. They want me confused and pliable and responsible. When everything falls apart they always blame the victim. They put a lot of work into gaslighting to make sure everyone believes I am crazy and not that they are incompetent crooks and abusers. My therapist was helping me. I have done so much better under her care. The new girl is not very old, not very experienced, and just mouths what they tell her to say. Her office is an abuse victims nightmare. In an alcoholic family you are taught to always act like everything is ok and you are happy. This new CBT therapy can be used in exactly the same way. “When you have a negative thought (wether it is real or not) just think something else so you feel something else and you act a different way.” It is exactly the same as “When you want to cry because I hit you, think about something else, and pretend nothing happened.’ The dysfunctional family motto. You really have to know what you are doing to use the “tools” these psyche people use. It can be much more hurtful and destructive than useful. This new girl doesn’t know what she is doing, I don’t think. I think she is doing what she is told by the dysfunctional IdIoTTwin family. They are using it exactly how dysfunctional families use it. The sessions are hurting me much more than helping me now. This is the horrible therapy I keep being forced into.
For this reason I drove all the way to Tahlequah on a day I didn’t need to be there just to fill out one piece of paper and be told there is no time in sight for me to see my real therapist again. Very depressing and discouraging.
My poor husband has been under more attack than usual. He is always under horrible attack by these monsters. They can’t stand for us to have a real marriage. My husband and I are both alike, idealists, and we want real, not fake. For that reason the two of us have formed real bonds that have lasted through unbelievable manipulation, lies, and attacks for 31 years. The IdIoTTwins always have some famous example of people divorcing and people in our lives divorcing at the same amount of years of marriage as we are at the time. They use it to gaslight us, trying to pretend we don’t have a real and good marriage.
My husband was telling me this last week that he can’t retire for 9 or 10 years. He can’t visit for more than 90 days a year or lose state residency in Alaska, which does not matter except to get a $1000 a year dividend from the state. And I can pay for my husband’s ticket to come down. He has only visited for about 50 days this year so far. But he kept hemming and hawing about other people having to take leave, the credit card debt he has but I don’t, and other nonsensical, unimportant things. It was all nonsense, but as I said at the beginning of this our life is nothing but stupidity and nonsense thanks to the mismanagement of the IdIoTTwins, who can’t butt out. I have no interest in them or their “representatives”. I have seen how they destroyed my mom’s side of the family. They have nothing but headaches and heartaches, but they are “good old boys” and are always faithful to “the Queen” instead of doing what is best for real Americans. Make no mistake. These British IdIoTTwins do not like Americans at all, no matter how much they bow and scrape. They consider us a lower form of humans, deserters, and traitors to The Crown. So I know that is nothing for my husband and I to do, but do the best we can in these horrific circumstances. All we have is each other. Tearing our lives apart will not help either of us. And oddly, just our stubbornness and sincerity seem to make a small difference in all of this. We are something stable in a horribly unpredictable horror film that the IdIoTTwins are trying to produce in real life.
So I am faithfully waiting on my husband, even if it is for 10 years.
And my husband told me it is a nice, cool fall up there while it is still around 100 degrees down here. I am not ever falling for those traps again. If I go back up there I am dead. They will attack me non-stop and they have all the medical tied up up there under their thumbs. I can’t get good care up there. I have to stand my ground and wait on my husband. It may take a decade, but if I survive I will get my husband. They will beat him the whole time to try to give me a broken husband in the end. It won’t work. My husband and I have unshakable faith in being down-to-earth, decent people. Live simply. Do not want what the rich and popular have. Be appreciative for what we have, do our best, and hope for the best while planning for the worst. That’s the real thing they should be teaching in therapy.
So…that was last week.
Oh, and I went to see my nieces. They are stressed, tired, and beaten down too. They never get to see their husbands all in the name of the boys making a living for them. If you watch Scientology: Aftermath on A & E you will see exactly how these IdIoTTwins treat marriage, children, and family. It is completely dysfunctional. They espouse to believe in it, but do everything to destroy any strength and love in marriage. Oddly, a lot of marriage have lasted when the people got out of the Scientology. At the heart of the cult people were trying to find family, not L Ron Hubbard. For the brave they have gotten to leave and keep their marriages. I hope that for my nieces and their husbands.
I hope that for me and my husband.
When I go to therapy they ask me my goals all the time. Same as it has always been: be faithful to God, be faithful to my husband, and live a simple sensible life. I don’t have grandiose plans for the IdIoTTwins to dangle before me and take away by degrees. For that reason I am more stable, but it also makes my faith and my marriage the main areas of attack.
I pray that by God’s grace we make it. In Revelations God says he will end the world because if enough time passes, even the most faithful will fall. I hope me and my family make it to the end. God help us all and destroy the wicked who snare us and torture us.
Oh, and for Terry in particular, I am a person, not a grammar book. I take great pride in that. You may be perfect, but you are useless. I am a real communicator. People understand and believe me more than they believe your useless nattering and criticism. And the English language is alive and ever changing, unlike you in every conceivable way.