Back to Square One on Therapy

I was making progress in therapy.  Then my therapist was taken away without any follow up.  She wasn’t allowed to have contact with any of her patients.  Supposedly.  What do I know?  I just whatever latest fake theatrics the IdIoTTwins are performing.  I bonded with my therapist.  She was the first therapist I bonded with.  I bonded with my first psychiatrist in Alaska, but that wasn’t therapy.  She had me find my own therapist.  All the therapists I have found except the one I bonded with just sit there like a broken record saying the same stuff over and over.  They aren’t really involved in my life or recovery.  I’m just a patient to make money off of.  I am sure they are on the IdIoTTwins’ payroll.

So after making a lot of progress, I am basically being told the basics of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  I have been naturally doing the basics of that for my entire life or I wouldn’t have made it this far.  It’s like having a 5 year old teach me how to read and write by starting over at teaching me the alphabet.  I have to prove I know the alphabet.  And that never happens.  In this metaphor if I misspell a word or accidentally recite in a way the therapist doesn’t like, like singing instead of saying the alphabet, then supposedly I don’t know it.  We have to go over the whole thing again.  It’s boring and depressing.

I am far beyond this place, but I struggle because I really have struggles.  Losing my sister was losing the foundation of my life.  It’s like half my world disappeared.  I am not going to be able to cognitively move beyond that.  I have to learn to live with most of my life missing.  I am doing that.  It’s like learning to live without your heart, mind, guts, and part of your limbs.  I have basically been blown up.  You don’t just reinterpret that and go on.  Any real therapist knows that, but these fake therapists say they know it, but then tell me to just see things differently.  It’s ignorant double talk.  DOUBLE TALK…I wonder where that comes from.  IdIoTTwins, of course.

What I have learned from my therapy is that it is really a court room.  I am on trial for saying that what was done to my sister was criminal.  Everyone on the planet involved in it needs me to change my story.  I am not lying.  And I am not changing my story.

It’s sad that I can’t really follow the lead of these “professionals” in my life.  I could follow my psychiatrist in Alaska.  She said I should move back to Oklahoma to get better.  There was no hope in Alaska.  I came down here and found a great therapist, and she helped me more than I can ever describe.  Now, all the support we worked so hard to put in place is being kicked out from under me in very traumatizing ways.  The IdIoTTwins are hoping to put me in shock again so I can’t function again.  If I can’t talk, then I can’t say what awful things they have done to our family consistently.

My sister was still brutally murdered right in front of my eyes.  I can’t just unsee that.  I can’t just try to make the memories something else.  And these IdIoTTwins are ignorant.  They pretend they are geniuses, but they are morons.  Any real therapist knows you cannot take a trauma memory and take it apart.  You can take apart the symptoms a little bit, but not much.  If you have flashbacks or outbursts of controllable anger, it is moronic to sit there and say to just not think about that way.  You can’t stop it.  That’s why it is a disability.

These IdIoTTwins are basically Scientologists.  They don’t believe in psychiatry, religion, or even the medical profession.  The cruel and moronic way my sister died completely fit with the the stupid cult Scientology beliefs.  The stupid way my therapy keeps turning is like it is being ran by cult morons trying to prove mental health isn’t needed.  It’s just mind over matter.  Everything from Scientology is out dated 1950s theory.  Mind over matter has been disproved.  On top of that just like when mind over matter was talked about all the time, people with enough money never have to bother with mind over matter.  They get pampered and are surrounded by “yes” people.  They never have to endure anything, so how would they know if they can achieve mind over matter.  They think they are rich because they of how they think, not because it was passed down to them.  They act like they have achieved something, but they were born into it.  They act like they are thinking their reality, when in reality they are just existing in a cocoon without ever having to struggle to get free.

Every criticism of my life only makes sense if someone criticizing me has traveled a path in life easier than my path has been.  They blame the victims.  They blame poor people for their problems.  They blame the races for their struggles.  They blame women for women’s struggles.  And they constantly try to play the victim card themselves, but it’s impossible for any sane person to feel sorry for rich, powerful men.  Reality is more like might makes right than mind over matter.

So I am back to having to explain in therapy how I am trying to not have traumatic thoughts or have thoughts that cause me pain.  I have to explain how I am not holding on to the past, but embracing the future.  I just tell as much truth as possible, but I know I cannot talk about rich assholes in charge and stuff like that.  I tell the pain, too.  I keep being interrupted and asked how I can make that ok.  I can’t.  So I just keep saying that I can’t.  It’s like asking a person who lost their arm how they can think differently, like their arm is still there.  Well, I may be able to brainwash myself that I still have an arm, but I don’t.  That is going to end in failure when I try to use my arm.  Then the trauma happens all over, but it’s even worse.  It makes for a bigger and bigger dissociative event where I question my own reality more and more.  It makes mental illness worse.

My therapist is still trying to get to a place where I can see her again. I pray she makes it to a place where I can see her again.  It is hard dealing with all the pain and mental abuse the IdIoTTwins put on me on a daily basis.  Then having to see someone who doesn’t understand or support me on a deep level.  She says all the things she is supposed to say, but it amounts to hurting me more than helping me.  That’s what I have been putting up with from every part of my life since my sister got terminal cancer.

Now I am walking around blank looking again, blocking out all the onslaught of trauma from the IdIoTTwins.  There were so many people in white vehicles yesterday, it was insane.  I just ignored them, but it makes me blank out.  Then they had people in the grocery store getting in my way while just walking blindly in my path.  I know that’s how I look, but it’s not my fault.  Once again they blame the victim.  They want to attack me visual, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual and then want me to walk around like a fool with a smile plastered on my face.  They want me to smile and act happy when I feel like my life is splitting apart in every direction so they can get by with abusing me.  I am not helping them.  I’m done until I can get some real help again.

And they keep having my husband ask me about the family pictures and year books.  I told him to throw away the year books and keep family pictures for the billionth time.  Not the answer the IdIoTTwins want.  They want me to act like the horrific school days I endured are some kind of good memories.  They aren’t.  For the most part there are no memories at all.  They have butchered my memories so much that I don’t remember much about school.  I remember wanting to kill myself so badly by 14 years old that I begged God to help me.  The next semester I was out of band and in a different class.

Once again, I was supposedly going to get a college scholarship for band…money from the IdIoTTwin Family Foundation, I guess.  Every time I am supposed to get money to help me my whole life is destroyed.  I could only be cussed, hit, screamed at, have my coat written on “Fuck You”, and all the rest of hell from that stupid band so many times, while being torn apart everywhere else, but not as badly as in band.  They acted like I was just too weak and I was a cry baby.  I was raised to be a lot of things but a cry baby and a quitter weren’t part of that.  My Dad was a jock when he was in high school and college.  Of course I was supposed to do MIND OVER MATTER.  I couldn’t.  They effectively beat me to death.  I was a zombie walking.  If I hadn’t started believing in Jesus, I would have killed myself.  I couldn’t think of any reason to live.  Then school got worse from there with hell boyfriends and back stabbing “friends”.  So NO, I do not want. my stupid year books.

I want any pictures that have to do with my sister and my Dad from my family.  I asked my mom for pictures of me and my sister after my sister died.  She sent me pictures of her and her sister.  I am throwing those away.  I had planned to give them to my mom’s sister’s kids, but they are such assholes to me that they can forget it.  I am throwing the pictures away.

These IdIoTTwins keep sending people across my path to say you can chose your family.  No.  You cannot.  They have proven in Early Childhood Development that the initial childhood memories are the basis for your entire life.  You cannot grow up and decide you have a completely different family all the way back to wherever you consider is important in your life.  You cannot escape the original family.  They have killed my family of origin, but it doesn’t make my childhood any different.  They cannot superimpose some kind of strange past on me where nothing matters until The Reveal when they showed themselves.  They pretend they were with me for my whole life behind the scenes.  No.  They were not.  They are nothing like my parents and sister were.  They aren’t even like my husband even though they pretend they were in my marriage for 31 years.  No.  They were not.

I can tell you where the IdIoTTwins and their cousins and all their family were…they were out getting drunk, high, whoring around, wasting money, traveling, and in general living a life I cannot really fully imagine.  Meanwhile, I was doing all the hard work of surviving domestic violence childhood and trying to bring my sister through with me.  We were close like war buddies who had survived due to the loyalty of the other.  No one can imagine it unless they lived it.  These idiot-rich families expect me to have some kind of fairytale expectations when I lived through hell.  I don’t have any faith in fairytales.  I don’t have any faith in rich people.  I only believe in practical, methodical, well thought, patient living.  I never had the safety net to waste my life and still get everything I wanted, like some rich, spoiled brat.  Spoiled brat personalities make me want to throw up.  They are repulsive.  I consider myself too adult and too sensible to have anything to do with such lazy depravity.  I am not in any way drawn to it.  So if they are trying to get me to pick their family, I don’t want them.  If they are trying to seduce me, I am repulsed.  If they are trying to force rich people’s values on me, I am too good for that.  They make a joke out of living while I make a temple out of it.  My “goals” are never going to include rich idiots.

They like to say dumb stuff, like “If you had money, you would act just like me.”  Well, I don’t have money and I don’t act just like everyone else who does not have money.  Why would I conform to rich people if I had money enough that I could do anything I wanted?  I wouldn’t.  And there we come to the same wall I hit in band in high school.  I was not trying to be like the privileged kids and I am not trying to be like the privileged families.  I don’t want to fit in with people who value their own ease at the expense of criticizing and cruelly hurting their fellow man.  They can keep the money.  I will keep my memories of my sister and I and all that we survived together.

BUT the biggest deal in my therapy right now is that I am not doing anything with any family pictures or pictures from the past until I have real therapy so I can deal with it.  All the family pictures I have, have been packaged up and given to me from someone not of my original family.  Therefore, they are an emotional bomb sent to me at the IdIoTTwins’ direction.  They keep pushing for me to go through them so they can traumatize me even more.  I am not doing that to myself.  I am waiting for my real therapist or those pictures will be sitting there in the same box when I die.

And the IdIoTTwins keep making me make goals for myself in therapy.  I noticed starting in 2007 about 7 years before the Big Reveal that no matter what goal I set for myself in therapy, it was sure to have every block put in the way in such a way that it could be blamed on me.  Everything from losing a few pounds where my body would just give out just as I got near it and my mind would go until time passed and I gained back twice as much as I had lost.  Then I got all these lectures on yo-yo dieting.  Well, when you don’t know what day it is or what you have eaten…when you keep a food journal but can’t understand it when you look at it….  You can’t lose weight.  You will gain.  And my husband took over the food in the house which unfortunately is what one of the IdIoTTwins prides himself on as well as his out of shape, fat, smelly body.  He would rather that I look like I fit with him than his cousin in the picture, who is a health nut.  I just want to have my body and my life without caring who it matches.  It all has to do with money on the other side of this, though, from what I gathered in the reveal.  They are all making money from me or stand to make money.  And the IdIoTTwin bookworm would rather I have a body that looks like I sit and read a lot.

Every tiny thing is complicated like that.  If I set goals in therapy and it doesn’t fit one of their agendas, then it gets destroyed by one or the other of them.  No one cares what my life goals are.  They only want me to seem like I fit with them.  And I fully believe the IdIoTTwins want me to die of health related thing like obesity, flashbacks and setbacks until I do something dumb while driving or some chore around the house and have an accident, or any number of things they can use.  If they know the goals they have a better chance of setting something up.  The cousin probably is not against me, but he takes too long to deal with his twin cousins.  I don’t know if he is giving them a chance, just catches on too slowly to what is being done, or is simply beaten by the IdIoTTwins the way they beat me and my husband, but he’s not very effective overall.  I think he did finally get me to Oklahoma, which is very good.  But down here he is still having his tail handed to him on a silver platter by the IdIoTTwins, just like this problem with the loss of a great therapist for me.  It makes me furious.  He hasn’t had a hard enough life to be a real fighter, which is ironic since he was raised boxing.  I think that if his dad saw him losing as much in real boxing as he does in taking care of me, he would kick his ass himself.  He would never stand for it.  He would have his brothers beat his ass until he got some fire in his guts and got out there and really competed.  Either he is too nice, or he is in a way helping the IdIIoTTwins.  They don’t need help.  I do!  I need some people really “in MY corner”!  Surely, a boxer can understand how important a support system is.  Either he is my support system, or he is my enemies’ support system.  There is no middle ground.  I won’t settle for a tie and neither will my enemies’.  This is not a time for ying yang nonsense.

I don’t believe life ends in a cosmic tie.  I think you have to pick a side and stay with it.  Even Jesus said he would puke up anyone who is lukewarm.  Be hot or cold, but don’t be lukewarm.  It’s useless.

I am not changing.  I am an honest witness.  What I have experienced is real.  It is not just in my mind.  If anyone wants to win for the good, caring, decent side for a change, then be my support system.  I won’t let you down.  Everyone who knows me knows I never change.  You can love me or hate me, but you know where I stand.  I need the help, please.  I need some decent people to get motivated and thwart these IdIoTTwins at every turn in the same way they have destroyed my life at every turn.

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