I have so many health struggles it is hard to know where to begin.
Since the looped dream last night was about me gaining so much weight that I could no longer walk. I would shake it off and think to myself that I was just exaggerating and get up and walk anyway. Then the dream started over. Then people came to see how big I had gotten. They looked at me in theatrical shock and horror. They wouldn’t talk to me or keep eye contact except to looked shocked. It was stupid. I felt like I had been kidnapped by Bozo the Clown and forced to be an attraction in a freak show for him. It’s as bad as being raped. It objectifies me as this sub-par human abomination that is only good for being stared at, shunned, shamed, and alienated from all humanity.
When I woke up, I thought, “That was stupid. Had to be the IdIoTTwins.” Stupid is their hallmark.
But I think the nightmare is their goal for me. I can hardly get up and do anything. If I walk from one room to another I can’t breathe. It’s like I am being suffocated, not just a little breathless. That’s a hallmark of the IdIoTTwins, too. Extreme, ridiculous, and doesn’t fit the circumstances at all.
The other thing they do is if I start a project like cleaning the kitty litter box, part way through it will feel like someone kicked me in my lower back with a steel toed boot. I will actually feel the pressure to fall forward or fall over. It always hits right in the bottom of the spine where the hip bones and all of that meet. Usually it makes my thighs tingle and go numb. It is such a weird feeling, like my thighs disappear, but my knees down are still there. It makes it very hard to walk or even sit in a normal position. I have to sit down and suffer for a bit. Usually I have some tears from the pain. Usually I feel like passing out or throwing up for a time. Finally, it passes and I finish what I am doing like an 80 year old woman. I feel so frail and confused.
This week I got the strength to stand up while playing my game. All I did was stand up. When I sat down, I would rock back and forth, just to expend energy. I got strong enough to actually shower and blow dry my hair. I was up doing one little project after another. Then one day it was like someone jerked me up off the floor and was shaking me like a child in an angry adults’ angry abuse. If I stood up, it felt like someone kicked me in the lower back. Within hours I was bloated to the point that I couldn’t sit up straight. I had to lean back. I couldn’t breathe out because my stomach was distended as far as it could go. I had to move a little to this side and then that side to breathe. I had tears and confusion.
Days and days passed like that. Then the raping started. I couldn’t do any little projects. I barely had the mind to eat food. I kept writing in this blog when the raping and pain had reached it’s peak. I was still fading in and out of reality and shock. But I pushed myself because I am alone in here with nothing but those horrible IdIoTTwins, their cult, and all the technology they have to torture me with.
Finally, today I am hurting alternately in my left side in the colon, in my back where they “kick” me, in my vagina/clit area, and a constant feeling of starving no matter what I eat or drink. It’s actually better than I have been feeling. My spirits are up some, but it’s like surviving a horrible tornado. Everything is still a mess, but I lived through another attack. This in the abuse cycles between people is where they make up. NO. I will not ever in any way make up with the IdIoTTwins. They should have never hurt my sister, much less tortured her to death while she was dying already. There is nothing in me for them except the instinctual need to protect my sister and myself and kill them. I break abuse cycles by leaving or fighting like hell until I can leave. They won’t let me get away from them, so the only other option is to kill them. If I was physically around them all the time, I would poison them. I really would kill them.
I like yoga and walking. If I walk I can’t breathe. If I do yoga, anything I work on during the day feels like it was stripped and continually scraped with a scalpel. The pain is off the charts. I moan and cry without realizing it until later, so I quit doing it. No doubt the perverted, sick freaks get off on it. They had the nerve when I was at my worst to have my husband say while he was playing a game…he said it like a joke to the character on the screen, “Your pain and being turned on sound the same to me. I can’t tell the difference.” I didn’t know it was not my husband speaking at the time, so I just froze. It was one of many, many moments I was scared for myself and didn’t know what to do. With my sister dead and me unable to function, all I had was my husband. If he was going to hurt me, I knew I would fight, and maybe poison him, but my mind couldn’t even work well enough to fill out a simple form. It was like they were scrambling my brain with some electric energy. I’ve been feeling all of that again this last week while they tortured me probably in the name of experimental science or something that sounds intelligent. It’s just a cover for sick people, who really should be either induced into a coma or killed. You can’t rehabilitate people like this. They are monsters, who feed off of suffering like other people enjoy a good concert and a night out with friends. In a good concert and a night out with people, the IdIoTTwins have to fake all their emotions because they don’t really feel anything in situations like that.
I have quit expressing pain as much as possible. I will even pull my shirt collar up over my face if I can’t keep from expressing pain. I don’t want them to get the thrill of seeing me react.
They feed off of other people’s emotions like vampires, so I make fun of them a lot. They want to feel my emotions, then they can feel how stupid I think they are.
I have learned to wear loose clothes so I can at least do my breathing practice and maybe some tightening and releasing muscles and they won’t really notice it. I have to be playing a video game, watching tv, or some other mindless act for them to not really pay attention. If I am actually doing something or exercising they are on me like a hawk on a mouse.
I fight the rape with everything in me. They probably get off on it, but if I don’t fight, they keep hurting me more and more and more until I snap and fight or pass out from the pain. Either way, it’s a cheap thrill for these heartless monsters. That’s what they use infinite money and infinite access for. It’s so sick, stupid, and pathetic. But because they are really abusing me, I want them killed, drugged into oblivion, taken out of the picture some how AND vengeance for what they have done. Vengeance not just for my sister, my marriage, me, my husband, my family, but for all the people they have tortured while the people didn’t know about it for decades.
Tired. Tired. Tired.
I am logging off now because I am actually too tired to go on with writing this. Another tactic from them to try to ensure I don’t reach out for help.
Well…I AM reaching out for help. If anyone can help, please help me against these horrible IdIoTTwins.