I am shaking like I am on speed. I have been since I finished writing yesterday. I took my sleep meds and went to bed usual time, but I could not wake up. I was under night terrors non-stop for 12 hours. You think that isn’t possible? It is with whatever they use to torture me. I think the idea was to make me stay awake late until I passed out so the nightmares would be more powerful. The sleep meds have stopped that. They are prescription sleep meds so I have to touch base with a doctor every so often to tell how the meds are working. With over the counter stuff it doesn’t work. There’s no oversight. If you get some idiot doctor that never understands anything and doesn’t change anything according to what you are experiencing they are either morons or on-the-payroll of the spy groups. Some pretend they think they are watching you for some dumb nation security excuse, but they are on-the-take in some way. They get something special for your suffering.
My nightmares were a mixture of clowns, cheese, slasher movie where I am the one getting slashed with my own blood pouring down me and on the ground, sexual harassment of me, someone raping me, and everyone in the nightmares in on the whole thing. I don’t watch clowns, rape, slasher shows, or even things about sexual harassment unless it is on the news. I watch the news, and I know that is all rigged. The way the information is presented, the details, and every aspect is a show. It’s TV news, with emphasis on TV, like a TV show.
After the repetition of being harassed, fed crap you don’t even like, idiot clowns acting like your suffering is some kind of circus show, being raped in buildings you should be safe in, and then being chased, caught and slashed to death repetitively…it’s TORTURE. It is real torture. I can’t get control of my own mind and emotions to calm myself. At first I do. But they run the program non-stop until I can’t remember how many times I have gone through and then it seems real. I can no longer connect with my regular life. I can’t wake up with or without sleep meds after the program starts. I wake up with shell shock. I am traumatized all over.
Oh, and in the nightmare loop a person I worked with who was a female Mason gave me a fur coat with silk lining. Every time I even touched it, I would get slashed. I don’t know why, but that was in there. It was like she was retiring and I was being given her old job. But before I could even start I would be slashed. If I left it for a while I would be sexually harassed, raped, and slashed. Like the plan from the beginning was to kill me.
I tried to explain to my husband in the dream, but like in all horror movies, he didn’t understand and thought I was just tired and imagining things. I have found that this is a real thing in real life. All this horror is happening to me in real life and from the outside people think I just need to get some good sleep and it will be ok. Well, duh! I mean, I think I know I need good sleep. HOW in the hell am I supposed to get that? I have been given every type of stupid advice and it doesn’t work. Why? Because, like in a scary movie, I am really being stalked and attacked. It’s like telling the movie character with the weird heavy breathing intruder in her house that if she will just do some yoga, drink something warm, and read a chapter out of a boring book, she will sleep fine and feel better in the morning…. REALLY! Anyone with that kind of advice should be shot in the head. They are too stupid to live! They are just bringing the collective human intelligence down to that of a cardboard box!
I’m still shaking from my night terrors. You can only feel your own blood poured down you like hot oil and smell cheese at the same time so many times a night before it effects your day. I am not like the “professional” gamer the IdIoTTwins had my niece show me on YouTube yesterday. I am not going to try the same damn thing a million times and hope this time is different. In my dreams I break it every time. I do exactly what I feel I shouldn’t do. Even in the stupid nightmares last night I somehow ended up in Africa with giraffes. But then I was put back in the cheesy, violent workplace and butchered again. I got different outcomes, but they start me over. I am not going to make it easy for them to retraumatize me in the same exact way over and over. It breaks the repetition and helps me think it is a dream. It takes them a very long time to get me so confused that I don’t know if it is a dream or not.
And when the stupid dream starts over, I skip the first parts that I have memorized. It completely screws up their pace and the building of pressure to the critical moment. I get started over and I skip to middle. Then they immediately start me over again. I skip to middle. It’s my mind, damn it! I can skip the crap I already know if I want to. I keep doing it until they have to skim it. I know the first part is just to set the stage and unimportant after I have it down. The stage is NEVER going to change. They act like they are geniuses, but they aren’t. They just do the same annoying stuff over and over until people want to give in rather than go through it again. I skip it. I don’t have to go through it. Say person “d” over there in the set is the fool that picks up the knife that gets used. That will never change. I can just go to another area and start working. I know who has the knife, how it happened, and what will be done with it. It never changes. It’s like playing “Clue” for hours on end on a bad weather day with your siblings. Eventually you can almost guess the three parts and get it right with very little clues. Plus you know the goal is weapon, who used it, and where. The victim is always the same. The places it could happen are always the same. In my dreams there are usually only two or three places, not 6. It is always the same person I already identified at the beginning or middle, wherever they show up. I know the weapon. And I am the victim so I am an eye witness to the murder. I know exactly who, when, where, what, why and how. I know it all. All I am doing is trying to change the cards. I never can. You cannot believe how boring “Clue” is and horrific when you are the victim, you know who does it, and you know with what. The only thing that might change is where. It’s mind numbing boring while fighting for your life at the same time. You cannot imagine it. You have to experience it.
So, whatever advice you have for me, shut up. Whatever dumb judgements you have about me, shut up. And whatever you think you would do in this situation, shut up. You have no idea.
I don’t just feel alone in my life. I am alone in a slasher movie of my life. I hate it, but until someone stops the IdIoTTwins, Terry and Kerry Boring Brothers, I am going to have to do my best and keep skipping to where I want to pick up at in my self preservation.