It has just so happened that I have been even more alone than usual leading up to this Mother’s Day…and that’s really saying something. I am always alone. But on Mother’s Day I am horrendously alone in general. What happened in the past was that all the moms I work with and who were generally around were all pre-occupied with celebrations for them and their kids grandparents. Or they were being celebrated as grandmothers. That’s just how the cards would fall. It was a natural pattern. But what has never been natural is how my mom would just go on and on about how she loved being a mother, how she had to work so hard, how it was the most amazing thing that could ever happen to any woman, and how it brought you even closer to God and made you more spiritual. Every year I would say that I wished I had been able to have kids. She would completely ignore my pain and go on and on and on ad nauseam about being a mom. She would tell what all the other mom’s got. Her sister always got more than her because she had 6 kids and a million grandkids. Somehow me and my sister were supposed to make up for that between the two of us. We were never as good of kids as our cousins were to their mom. I really did want to puke every year after I talked to my mom on Mother’s Day.
I’ve been thinking about mom, of course, as Mother’s Day comes up. She made me, my sister, and my Dad, her husband look awful to everyone. She always played the victim, even to the point of flat out lying. No one wanted to believe that a mom could be a liar and everyone seems to “know” that kids are liars even if they are straight A students, National Honor Society, going to church WITHOUT mom and dad. They couldn’t be bothered. And my sister and I actually had Bible studies with teens during sleep-overs and weekend visits from time to time. But we were supposedly so very insensitive to our mother for a host of vague innuendos. Innuendos for me always included the “fact that she has always been odd”, like I was insane.
After my sister died of cancer in 2006 my mom just became worse. Finally I could not take her anymore. I tried to be understanding, tried to reason with her, tried to explain that I also hurt deeply missing my sister and still wished I had been able to have kids, which also hurts me each Mother’s Day, but my mom just talked over me. She did not care to listen. She was performing to an audience, which I never knew about until around 2013. After I realized that everything my family did was being recorded and watched and always had been, I understood why my mom always seemed like some 50’s drama queen on the big screen. She only had so many minutes involving us kids directly to act out her part so she could get what she wanted. In the end she always got stuff, attention, and people to do things for her.
Repeat: She ALWAYS got stuff, attention, and people to do things for her.
She lived and died exactly how she wanted to. She made us all look bad to the end. After Dad died, she was on her own. I didn’t have Dad telling me to be nice to her and I just protected myself and limited my interactions with her. I still sent her Mother’s Day stuff, but didn’t sit and listen to her going on and on knowing she was hurting me on purpose to keep me away from her. Then she could make me look bad and get stuff. I knew that I never crossed her mind. She constantly told the story of her amazing faith in that she could just let me and my sister go and never think of us at all because she trusted God with us so much. She would go on about how weird Dad was for falling apart when we graduated and left. Dad had raised us. Mom never put any time into taking care of us. She certainly used us to get attention and stuff for herself, though.
I do not miss her at all. I am relieved she is gone. I don’t have to be emotionally abused tomorrow. I will still have a lifetime of trauma, but I don’t have to dread tomorrow and the horrible call to mom.
These IdIoTTwins and their families behind the scenes are trying to force me to some stupid emotional expression of deep sorrow. I had a psychedelic dream of my mom’s brother and a couple of my cousins on mom’s side of the family last night. I keep feeling waves of crying, but I don’t break down and cry because I am not sad. They want to prove I am in shock, but I am still having all my normal emotions. People in shock do not have all their emotions except for one. Shock makes you numb. I am not numb. I am seriously relieved.
What’s more is I know most people who knew my mom are relieved. Her grandkids will miss her because they weren’t old enough when their mom died to really know their grandma. They say she was a good grandma, but she would not quit smoking around them like my sister asked. She did not have them help their grandpa, her husband, like she should have. But she had them running and getting her coffee, snacks (which naturally kids loved), and she watched movies all the time, so she watched movies with them. I don’t mind that the kids have good memories. If they had good memories of her, then more power to them. I have a life time of emotional abuse and a childhood of physical abuse memories that I can’t get rid of. That was my reality. I will not lie to make the IdIoTTwin families behind the scenes look good.
Those IdIoTTwins and their Mom know how my sister and I were abused. Their family ordered it. I guess it is some sick experiment to see what that kind of stress does to families, but the abuse was real. It was even orchestrated. But then and now I never get comfort and love. The best I can get is just left alone, “with no encouragement or interference”, even though the one’s behind the scenes discourage and interfere all the time.
The interference is so well orchestrated that some of the torture chair screaming my mom did to me was yelled at me word for word in a staff meeting that went insane before I completely fell apart and lost my $60,000 a year job because I could no longer function. I hate the IdIoTTwins’ mom too. I’m sure she has gotten all kinds of special attention and favors for having to “put up with her” me. Luckily, she is going to die before me. And I will still be writing about what a cruel witch she was. Her drug addicted, alcoholic idiot sons won’t care. They will finally be able to just get money and not even have to show up to “Mother’s Day” to get it. That’s all they care about.
Of course, all their kids care about is getting the family money. What a privilege to be rich and a big placeholder in family history to preserve the money! I can see why they look down on all other kinds of actual caring families. (Sarcasm)