It’s being shoved in my face that I have been out sourced. That means the IdIoTTwins still “own” me, but someone else will be managing me. The IdIoTTwins have been treating me worse than ever until I snap. If someone else ever really gets to take over all the day to day management of me, they want to make sure that 1) I think they rejected me and not that I rejected them; 2) I am so damaged that the next group won’t be able to manage me. As to the 1st part, no one will believe I was too much to get along with while the IdIoTTwins were perfect, charming managers. No one in touch with even a little reality would believe that. Everyone already knows it was them. It wasn’t me. As to the second thing, I have already seen that. Now that I’m not as suffocated, harassed, and oppressed, I have blind rages come over me about “the program”. I scream and scream and scream. It feels great. I have never gotten to express any dissatisfaction over the stupid program much less be able to really express some extreme hatred I feel for it. The less tight the restraint on me, though, the more of the hate I have been forced to hold in will come out. I am sure it sounds horrible to the people on the other side, but for my own sanity it sounds like the hallelujah chorus.
I HATE being out sourced. I wanted to be traded completely. I don’t want the IdIoTTwins having anything to do with my life, even remotely. I try to think of being traded and owned like professional athlete contracts, but it feels a lot like slavery. I really hate it.
The next bunch are already trying to make it sound like I am just caught up in some crazy sit-com. I hate that, too. It reminds me of Terry the professional Fool and how he made all the mean stuff sound like it was just a game. I hate how my entire life has been treated like some stupid game or some ridiculous tv show for the rich and bored to watch. I’m not a kid who can just sort of go with the flow. I am middle aged and I have been run over by the flow of this insane project for 50 plus years. I am not going to be very flexible. I don’t know what they want from me, but they can forget that. I will be an independent soul. When everything inevitably gets chaotic and everyone forgets about me for a while, which could be years, I have to fend for myself. That’s the way it always has been. I doubt this will be any different.
On my suggested ad feeds I keep seeing ads about rich guys, billionaires, “gentlemen”, etc. I already get that the next person to get me is also rich. I understand he thinks he is a gentleman. Personally, the only real gentlemen I have ever met were more likely to be down to earth family men as opposed to over-dressed posers. I get that I don’t fit in with their rich, shallow, lazy world. I hope I never do. I get that he thinks he could get along with me in real life. I doubt it. All of those on the other side want to perpetually change me and fix me. They just can’t get that I have a very specific focus motivating me. It has nothing at all to do with money, clothes, shallowness, and laziness. Nothing. And that’s all I see from the rich. They don’t try to BE good people. They try to HAVE a good image consultant. Seriously? An image consultant? I hate stuff like that. I mean I really hate it.
I think what these privileged rich people take for granted and how I see the world are so different that never the two shall meet. I don’t want anyone other than my husband, even as a friend. My husband is my best friend. I just want my husband back. I am sick of being a back-drop to a bunch of spoiled rich people trying to out-drama each other. I am sick of no one caring about my life while they use my life to get themselves noticed. I want my familiar, safe, loving husband, who has the same beliefs as me, comes from the same part of the world, has the same heritage as me, and understands what it is like to be a victim of this stupid program instead of being one of the rich who are excited about owning people in this program. My husband knows what it is like for these rich people to “own” him, just like I know what it feels like. I could never talk to one of these rich guys about that experience like I can talk to my husband. I don’t need to be rich. I need my husband.