I’m exhausted. I have chronic extreme fatigue all the time. The reason? I don’t get to have my own dreams. It’s painful when I have to deal with the basic directed dreams. They are rigid and repetitive. I don’t have control. It feels like wading through wet cement with my mind. It is miserable. But, of course, the IdIoTTwins use it to traumatize me. From what I have read about it in order to keep control of me they have to traumatize me on a regular basis. Otherwise, the mind will heal in its sleep.
I’m sitting here exhausted and I have sleep meds prescribed to me. But I am afraid to go to sleep every night. I’m even afraid to take naps. I never get to have control of my mind when I rest. I spend all day every day telling myself to focus on one thing or another. If I let my mind wander, stupid things get put in it. I lose track of time. I mean, I can go for days without noticing that time is passing. So I make myself look at calendars and clocks all day every day. They have to be real clocks and calendars. This digital stuff doesn’t even register with me. Even as I write this I can see a big calendar, “Country Chic”pictures on it. I can see 2 LED clocks. One is a weather station so I can also see temperature outside and inside as well as day of week, month, day, and year.
But the reason I am afraid to sleep is really because the IdIoTTWins are cowards, who always get me back in the lowest, pettiest ways. They make sure that they basically stab me in the mind while I am not looking. Sometimes it is real migraine type stab in the head behind my right eye. Sometimes it is gruesome nightmares of bloody body parts, someone chasing me, killing everyone and everything I care about. Sometimes I keep trying to get away and the whole thing resets over and over and over again until I don’t even try to get away in my dream. Sometimes I am running and can never get to a safe place. Sometimes it’s presented like some dumb carnival. Sometimes natural disaster. Sometimes actual devil worshipping gross ceremonies. Blood, blood, blood at times. I couldn’t begin to write all the kinds of dreams. Sometimes they are military-like and very rigid. It’s like training for discipline. Anyway, it is always sort of scary to let go of control and let the mind wander, but being attacked all the time in my sleep…it makes me wish I never would have to sleep again.
Since I’m sitting here dreading sleep, I am writing this. Why should I suffer in silence for fools who use their access to top secret stuff to rape me, beat me, knock the breath out of me, make me run and flail in my sleep, kick me in the lower back, and punch me in the stomach…why should I sit here alone and not say anything? What do I get out of it? More abuse. Every time I write about something it gets better, so I know that attention needs to be brought to all these things. AND if it is happening to me, then it is happening to other people. Other people may not have figured out who is doing it to them. I know. I am 100 percent sure. And they have taken everything I care about. So what is in it for me to play nice? Worse abuse and terrorizing. These fools are addicted to abusing me. That’s how sick bastards like them function. They get frustrated and they terrorize, bully, and abuse me. I’m not being quiet anymore. I’m not trying to be a nice person anymore. I wish I had not been nice when my sister was dying.
Fuck “nice”, Terry and Kerry Butt-Brothers. Go screw each other and shut the fuck up! I am going to sleep now. I am telling you preemptively to go fuck yourselves and quit abusing me in my sleep.