Thanksgiving 2018

This Oklahoma weather is exactly what I remember growing up with. The sun is out. It’s 65 degrees. When my sister and I were kids we would eat everything we wanted and then go for a long walk. The weather is perfect for it.

Unfortunately this is not what the abusive IdIoTTwins wanted for me. They want me to stay in the house isolated in Alaska and to never say a word, lest I even accidentally anger the IdIoTgods. I’m completely alone here. They won’t let me be happy. They don’t care about my happiness. They want me out of the way because I don’t agree with them on hardly anything. They like to beat me down and pretend that I agree with them because I don’t have the strength to speak up.

Therefore, I am here alone on a major holiday. I really miss my husband. And I really miss my sister and Dad. I don’t miss my mom at all. In fact I am relieved I don’t have to deal with her for the first Thanksgiving in my life. What a monumental, cruel weight is lifted from her death. It reminds me of “A Christmas Carol” where people were glad Scrooge died. She lived to manipulate the pretend to be in control by being mean. Instead she completely cut herself off from anything that really matters, like loving relationships. Every second of every day was some kind of scheme and manipulation. It was tedious at best and completely off-putting at worst.

Why would anyone spend their life trying to get a house, her main goal, and not actually live life.

The irony was that she never took care of any house we lived in. Dad did until we got old enough to do chores, and then we did. When I was a teenager mom would drag me out of bed at night, screaming at me in a shrill voice I could hardly understand in my sleepy state. She would make me stand in the kitchen while she threw pans at me because I stacked them crooked when I did chores. Or she would make me stand outsider her closet while she screamed at me for hanging a shirt up crooked. She didn’t just want a house, she wanted slaves to do her work for her, too. Never once did she say that she should do some chores. Never did she even say that she should teach us what she wanted when we cleaned. We were supposed to be able to read her mind and do anything she wished.

This is the woman that the IdIoTTwins and their family say was a legend and deserves to be honored. Mom was often doing what the IdIoTTwins mom wanted done to me. I am a hundred percent sure of it, because in meetings at work this one really mean woman, Wendy, would be talking in the shrill, angry voice saying word for word what mom would say to me in some of her rants. It freaked me out. They freaked me out at that job. So many scary and horrible things like that happened at the health department in Anchorage that I will never go back to Alaska again. I can’t do it. When I think of it I start crying and shaking. I start having these weird blurred flashbacks of mom screaming at me and those horrible women up there acting out the stuff mom did to me. They also went around glorifying motherhood until Ii was just numb and in shock all the time.

All the stuff they were saying about mom’s did not apply to my mom. She wasn’t kind or loving. She wasn’t nurturing. She didn’t have wisdom. She wasn’t reliable. She wasn’t someone I “should always listen to”. And most of all, I did not love her just because she was my mom, no matter what she did to me. That seems to be something they were going around saying all the time, and mom said my whole life, that I now think may be one of the experiments I am stuck in.

Even now they have people pushing me toward saying that the year you lose both parents is the worst year of your life. That is not true for me. Quit putting words in my mouth, Kerry and Terry IdIots. This is my life, not your life. I lost my mom as I grew up and other girls talked about time with their moms. They had good and bad, but overall a relationship. My mom was like a prison warden with no oversight. She was constantly hostile or dismissive with me. I wasn’t bonded to her at all. I am glad she finally died. I was afraid she would live until I was in my 70s. That sometimes happens. I’m relieved this Thanksgiving that she is dead.

When my sister died was the worst year of my life. There’s nothing even close to it. My sister and I bonded like sisters and like war buddies. We had each others’ backs in the trenches of the war mom waged on us and Dad. Dad was unreliable because he couldn’t beat the drinking problem. But my sister and I always came through for one another. I still miss her every second of my life, awake or sleeping. I miss her for every milestone moment and for every day life. When you grow up in an abusive family situation, no one else in the world can know what it was like except a sibling close to your age. I would have died for my sister to spare her if I could. I wish I could have since she had kids and I didn’t. But we don’t get that kind of power.

I am thankful for my life. I really am even though sometimes it is so hard that I wish it would end. But apparently I have to continue this war alone. The same IdIoTFamily who was behind my mom’s torture are still stalking me and trying to shut me up. Apparently, not many people have the place on earth that I have. They cannot just destroy me in order to shut me up. I guess they have to attack everyone I care about. They can’t completely attack me, but they neglect me. They just want me to sit and be quiet all day, every day. That episode with the latest psyche was par for course for my life. Hostile and dismissive. That’s how this bunch always treats me.

They can’t starve me or anything obvious like that. On the other hand they can constantly fight me and try to break my spirit. They can abuse me, but not obviously.

Now when I start saying things they don’t like they have James sigh heavily, or say, “huh?” Part way through like he wasn’t listening. They make whatever we are talking on to malfunction. And a lot of times James won’t do the little things people do to make you know they are listening. It’s like I’m not even talking. It is hard to keep talking when someone is so quiet you can’t tell they are on the other end of the line. They butcher my conversations with anyone, like this. Then they can say stupid stuff like, “We didn’t know there was a problem. She never said anything.”

And they must be using that to “prove” that I should stay on their caseload. They are pretending I agree with them in some way and they own me. I don’t agree with them in hardly any way at all and they absolutely should not have anything to do with my life.

It’s going to be a long holiday season. I have to sit here alone while they try to break me down and make me cry. They want to use it to “prove” that I miss my mom. Apparently that would mean I accept their witch mom. No. I didn’t accept my own mom. I am certainly never accepting their mom.

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