When you are born into a top secret program that doesn’t exist, then in most ways, you don’t exist. I don’t get the real rights of regular citizens. One of the worst parts of this is that every “professional” who interacts with me has to be vetted and vetted, and then vetted again. There’s all this apparent negotiating over what can be said to me, what can be offered to me, and how I am to be treated.
A major example of that is coming up tomorrow. I have to meet the latest psyche-out psychiatrist. I will be on camera with a bunch of people watching, who I am not supposed to be smart enough to realize they are there. The psych will listen to them talk in her ear. She may even read instructions off her computer or tablet screen while she “interviews me for follow-up”, which is really interrogation and cross-examination in some kind of legalese which supposedly does not exist, either. And then according to my performance, they will spend months fighting over what I said all the way up to years spent fighting over what I said or did. This will supposedly be some assessment that will mean something, but every time things come out differently than what the IdIoTTwins want, which is most of the time, then they tie the whole process up with an army of legal teams.
No one knows everything about the program, so they are just taking orders. And things happen like they are real. For instance I got my Explanation of Benefits for this latest psychiatrist. She charged insurance $400 to spend 5 minutes with me and treat me like a hostile witness who she had to shut down. It seriously makes me sick that she gets all that money and I have lost everything to these horrible IdIoTTwins. That’s how they do it though. If she passed their standards, which are all about being tough and mean, then they will send all kinds of people her way, who they don’t want to get help. She’s probably getting insanely rich. It usually turns out that people like her get dream vacations, booming practices, praised in the community, and anything in the world to make their life easy. They either start out worshipping money and power, or they get a taste of it and won’t let it go. It’s the easiest thing to get addicted to. Then people like me have to go and try to get good care from these addicted personalities. And what I say never goes with what the IdIoTTwins want, so I am fighting this person over money, power, and standing in the community. It’s no longer about me. It’s about the money and special treatment. And I lose every time.
I am glad I like and trust my therapist. I can tell she has a good heart and cares about people above the money and so on. They tried to force me to not see her. Now they are questioning everything she does. Sure signs that I read her right and she really is a good person. If I was faking, she wouldn’t help me. She can tell that I really am struggling with mental illness. I actually need help. And just like the psychiatrist can’t prescribe me something to stop directed dreaming nightmares, the therapist cannot have me do anything that will stop the nightmares. At an impasse like this, usually everything gets scrapped and I have to start over with other doctors. And then the IdIoTTwins try to force the people they pick on me. I fight with them. The cycle continues and in the chaos they seriously hurt me and threaten me. Many times in life I quit going to doctors and just tried to fend for myself. After seeing how my sister died, I now know where that road leads.
I know this is an anonymous blog that I throw together as I live through all of this. Thank you for listening if you stumbled on this. If you are having similar problems I hope this helps a little bit.