Yesterday is the one year anniversary of us owning the house in Oklahoma. It’s also one year since I started living here while James is taking care of things in Alaska and flying down to visit. It feels like it’s been 10 years. I miss James all the time. We’ve been living together for decades. It feels like I am missing part of my body, mind, and heart. Of course, I have the IdIoTTwins hitting me, twisting my arm, causing me to choke, and making me so nauseous that I feel like I will never be well again. And they wonder why I hate them and want them out of my life. The abuser IdIoTTwins keep sending signals that they are helping me by making me meaner. Then they when I make them cry like the babies they are they tell everyone that I am a monster. So…I’ve had that to look forward to…being sarcastic and ironic. Have to explain it because the IdIoTTwins will use what I’m writing to “prove” that they aren’t really mean to me, but giving me what I want. The sick bastards have been going around telling everyone that I am perverted and get off on being tortured. They are suffering under the delusion that women can be trained like a starved, beaten dog in a laboratory with no hope of escape.
But when I first was left here by myself at this time last year, I was horrified. I wasn’t sure what I would be able to do and not do. The first months through the holidays were awful. I’ve learned a trick for the holidays though. Do NOT watch commercials. I can be doing fine and one sappy “coming home for the holidays” commercial and I want to shoot myself. I am sure that holiday commercials account for many of the suicides around the holidays. Not kidding. And when I was a lady with my monthly cycle I learned to not watch commercials for the same reason. One sappy commercial and I was crying for the entire day. Those people who are in advertising really know what they are doing, especially if they are advertising during prime time, major sporting events, and holiday specials.
When I was first here alone, I was not going to make it. Within 3 weeks, though, I went to the pound and got a cute cat, and then I had someone to focus on. It mattered if I got up and fed her, cleaned her box, got her toys, and petted her. After our animals died in Alaska the IdIoTTwins wouldn’t let us get any more pets. I have had pets my entire life. I cannot live without pets. And my cat I got was missing half her fur so she needed me to take extra care of her. There’s nothing like nurturing a pet and seeing them be healthy and happy. Well, children would be better, but the IdIoTTwins wouldn’t let us have any of those, either.
I made it through a very lonely Thanksgiving and a scary Christmas, worrying that I wouldn’t be able to pay bills, take care of a car, take care of my new cat, and get all new medical help. Now the year has passed and I have furniture, carpets, curtains, and things like that which sounds like nothing, but is a monumental achievement for me. They had me comatose for years in Alaska. I hadn’t been able to have anything good in ages. My last Christmas in Alaska the IdIoTTwins had two TVs put in our tiny living room. While they were being installed a huge hole was torn in the wall and paint stripped everywhere. I looked around. The frayed carpet, torn wallpaper, molded windows, gaps around the doors so I was freezing all the time…I realized those idiots had caused all that on purpose and had a million excuses for my husband to give about how they couldn’t be fixed.
And by the way, since I have left Alaska my husband has had a new roof put on the house, new fence, and is in the process of getting new windows and doors in the house. We couldn’t afford one repair for the 25 years I lived there, but now everything is being taken care of magically.
For the year I have lived here my health has improved quite a bit, which is not to say there are no struggles. Coming back from comatose is not easy and is a rebound from a very low level of health. I’m driving, paying my bills, keeping the house basically clean, and feeding me and the cat. I missed one bill being paid, but figured it out. I cannot understand the stupid insurance paperwork, but apparently no one on the planet can understand it. I call the insurance providers and apparently the insurance is incomprehensible to them, also. I have 3 insurances and none of them can figure out what is going on. Basically they all say the other one should pay. It’s been the 3 stooges, which I do not think are funny at all. And I am not impressed with the billing departments of some of these medical places and not impressed with the health insurances. I wonder why I worked so hard to have insurance from my employer and why I paid into Social Security all those years.
I’ve learned to make jewelry, thanks to YouTube. It’s not as expensive as I thought it would be. I love beading. I will start making dreamcatchers soon, I think. There’s only so much jewelry I want to make, but I like the process of beading, and I like macramé, so I think dreamcatchers would be nice.
James got me a drafting table, which I have put together partially. It’s too much for me to do by myself. When he gets to come back home, he can finish putting it together. But I have placed a board on it and have done a little color pencils. I love it, already.
Finding a psychiatrist has been a nightmare. One was a cold dead fish, and the other an angry skinny female. I always think those kind of girls just need to eat some real food. Don’t try to impress people. They all have a way to fix you, but if that doesn’t make you happy, you will never be happy. Words from a fat old woman – me. If I didn’t have IdIoTTwin-itis I would be happy. I would have major issues with night terrors, flashbacks, tremors, and loss of time, which cause the stomach sicknesses and migraines…but I would be basically happy. If I seem happy and like I’m getting better, the IdIoTTwins panic. They do not want me to be healthy and happy. They want me totally dependent on them and scared of them, so they can use me like a puppet. They will say that is just me being crazy, but I know when someone has my well being at heart. And that’s the biggest problem with the psychiatrists I have tried so far. They do not have my best interest at heart. They have impressing the IdIoTTwins at heart.
When the IdIoTTwins don’t get their way, they start attacking everyone on all fronts. They love this post apocalyptic game called Fall Out. Destruction like an apocalypse is what they pride themselves in. They don’t construct. They destruct. They will tear apart the lives of the psychiatrists, the therapist, the doctors, the communities they are in and I am in. They will attack the secretaries, even the cleaning staff of the places. They will do everything they can do to absolutely destroy everything in everyone’s lives they come in contact with. The only people they keep in positions are the ones who have no scruples about hurting others including their kids, animals, and even vehicles and property.
They will go out of their way to prove I am crazy and not saying the truth, but if you are reading this and have anything to do with them, bullet proof your life. And don’t think you can compromise with them. They don’t negotiate. They get their way, or else. They lie on principal, so they know what to say to make you think they are reasonable and understanding. This is how they get information about what is important to you. You may be talking to one of their representatives instead them, but the information gets back to them. It’s part of their attack plan to have spies that will tell them every tiny scrap of information they can get. When everything is going wrong every single day and it is relentless, you know you are on the IdIoTTwins’ enemies list. They only have people who do their will, or enemies. They don’t have friends, so don’t be fooled. But like most people, you will try. It’s ok. But hopefully this warning will help you be more careful and cut them loose quicker than you would have. They hold grudges, so even when you break it off, or it never was because you were strong, you will be on their plan of attack as the enemy.
I’ve been on their enemy list since I was a child. I just was not shaping up to be tough enough by their psycho-family expectations. And my Dad really made their family irrationally furious. They tried to destroy my Dad from when he did his student teaching and wasn’t the ruthless idiot they wanted in the school system, or the mindless puppet. I think they started targeting me and my sister because of Dad, but it didn’t take very long in our lives for them to target us because they hated us too. But although it has cost us careers and lots of material things, and it cost my sister a horrific death, and we all suffer/ed isolation and shunning, it was worth it. To be the person you really are is the greatest experience of life. Don’t believe the sappy commercials trying to get your money. You don’t need a bunch of stuff. Being isolated is hard, but when you realize that society is becoming a place where good people are being isolated more and more, if there is anyone on the planet you care about, you will want to fight in the hopes that their future will be better.