The nightmares continue. They have taken on an eerily instructional tone with a threat of destruction if I fail to learn. In my directed dreams last night I was abducted and taken to an underwater cave. I could hear the water lapping the shore, but could see nothing except for a hooded figure and a blue, ghostly cloud. There was the boat that brought me there on the right hand side of me. I couldn’t see it, but could hear the water sloshing against it and around it. The hooded figure was to my right. The cloud right in front of me.
A voice started talking to me as if to teach me some life lessons that I was apparently unable to learn in my actual life. I was told that I was worrying too much about the details. I was “in the weeds” instead of understanding the bigger picture. The blue cloud started forming images that continually moved and became another image, sort of like when you look at clouds and see images in them. It was explained to me very tediously that all that mattered was the flow of life. It could be seen as energy, water, smoke, or any kind of continuous flow…even lava. But for my teaching it was a blue cloud-like energy substance.
According to the teacher all that mattered was that this energy keep moving. It did not matter how it moved, but that it moved. Any place where people have influence they can help the energy move or they can hinder it. I had been hindering it, supposedly because I am stupid and do not understand reality. For instance if a judge could keep the flow of energy going by punishing someone, who didn’t deserve it, or freeing someone else, who shouldn’t be set free, it wasn’t really important. All that was important was keeping the flow of the energy going.
It was explained tediously to me that being nice to the “wrong kind of people” actually stopped the flow of energy, so that was bad. It did not matter if they were good people. If they didn’t understand the bigger picture, then they had to be suppressed. It was not ok for me to be nice to them.
Then they would release me back into my life. I would go back to being nice to the same people I had always been nice to. They would abduct me again to teach me a lesson. The lessons grew more and more angry and violent over time. I silently listened. Was put back in the boat, taken back to “real life” and released. I would do the same thing. They would bring me back in for “educating”. They started threatening to not let me see James or my nieces. Then they started threatening to harm James or my nieces. But when I started living life again, I did the same things.
At the end of the dream many voices were screaming at me that I was stupid, selfish, and a problem. I was going to have to be done away with if I could not learn this lesson. They had me repeat the lesson I should be learning. It was the first time I was ever asked to speak. I said that the lesson was that evil is more efficient and far reaching without nice people messing everything up. I said the lesson was that the will of the few in power mattered, while everyone else was to unquestioningly to serve that will. The lesson was that the needs of the many or the individual do not matter. Only the needs of the “flow of energy” mattered. I said that the lesson was that people do not matter. The only thing that matters is power and who gets to wield it.
Some voices were screaming for me to stop wording it in that way. Some were threatening torture and death to me, and others where yelling threats about James and the nieces including his niece, by his sister.
When they released me, the first thing I did when I got back to the world was to give some money to a homeless person. I was immediately grabbed and violently thrown into the boat. They threw me on shore. Voices were coming from everywhere. They were going to hurt me and the ones I love. I could not save my loved ones. But I could not hurt innocent people to save my loved ones. It was too high a price. The ones I loved were good people and they would understand. I just felt sad that they were going to have to hurt so much because I chose to be a good person instead of literally to “go with the flow”. The voices were appalled and outraged beyond all reason. They were hysterically furious with me. I was scared. I knew I was going to die and it was going to be painful. That’s when I woke up.
During the entire time I was having the sharp pains in my left arm. It would almost wake me up, but then I would go back under. I couldn’t wake up though I was crying in pain. I sometimes think they use the left arm to try to make me think I am having a heart attack. They do make my heart feel like it stops beating for a second. The pain is worse than anything I can describe. But overall I mainly feel like a major league hitter is taking a baseball bad and hitting me in one specific spot to hit the bone in my arm and break it. The pain makes me black out for a second, makes me disoriented, and makes me momentarily feel like giving up. But when that passes, I am more furious than ever and more determined to not be bullied.