Surviving in a Perpetual Dirty Fight

I’m caught between two identical monsters who do not ever fight fair on principal. They have me cornered and never let up. They find all the vulnerable spots and apply constant pressure. With two there is never a break. They never have to regroup; never have to stop to get their energy back; never have to take time to rethink. Their speed at torture is almost at the speed of thought, since they are like computers linked and able to use double resources more efficiently. And not to give them too much credit, a lot of it is mind numbing repetition until they breach the weak spot. With two they can apply twice the pressure, or they can make the pressure non-stop since they can take shifts.

They have all the information on me for my entire life. Imagine your most vulnerable moments in life that you cannot even look at because it breaks your heart. Now imagine monsters knowing all about that and they force you to look at it non-stop until you break down. Then they have a good laugh and make fun of you while they start on another vulnerable spot. They will come back to the spot they broke when you manage to heal it enough to function a little.

There’s also a perpetual audience. They surround themselves with immoral, heartless scum like themselves. They get high and drunk while laughing at all the pain they cause others. They are the biggest whiners, though. If they get a hang nail, they think everyone should stop everything to take care of them and pity them for having to feel one moment of pain. If they hurt they attack people, animals, things that had nothing to do with the pain at all. If they hurt everyone has to hurt. If they are happy, then everyone just has to feel privileged that they are near these supposedly god-like men. They are actually real life monsters. Humans feeding off of the pain of fellow humans. Sickening.

You can’t tell though, because they don’t feel bad about what they do. They seem normal because they aren’t wrestling with normal conscience. They are causing unspeakable pain and suffering, and enjoying every minute of it. It’s scary. When you realize they look you in the eyes, laugh and joke, and all the while are anticipating tearing you apart to enjoy your pain…. It makes me disassociate. I think everyone does to a point. No one wants to believe that. But when your life is really on the line, you don’t have the luxury of giving this kind of non-human the benefit of the doubt. It’s hard, but the first part of fighting them is to realize you are in a fight, no matter how much they joke with you and pretend it’s just “the guys blowing off some steam, getting rowdy, good ol’ boys, not meaning any harm”. That’s just part of the routine to throw you off of balance and get you to sort of play along to get along with them.

The latest on the fight is that they are furious that I quit their psyche. They are attacking me in every way they can, by especially psychologically. In the game I enjoy playing they keep having people cast this disgusting spell on my character that is blood raining from the sky. When my sister died in all that pain, I had that image in my mind of blood pouring down from the sky, soaking in the ground, and crying out about how she died. It felt like I was stuck in some Biblical plague of blood, or like her blood was crying out from the earth about her death, like God said Abel’s blood cried out to him.

I was deeply empathetic with my sister. I often felt like I could feel her pain. It wore me down until I could not function. She would tell me not to be near her because it was bad for me, but I had to be with her. I had to be there all the way through it, no matter what happened. She couldn’t cross to the other side without me being by her side. When she died I felt like my soul was ripped in half and half of me had died, too. I felt like my soul’s blood was screaming, but it was me. I was told later that it was me screaming. It was not just in my mind and soul. These IdIoTTwins know all of this and they have people cast that stupid spell on me over and over again. I disassociate every time. The pain and the shock are unspeakable. I really could not begin to explain it. I quit playing for a time. When I went back, the same thing kept happening. This is not a spell everyone has. It is very specific and hard to get. It’s not a coincidence that it keeps happening around my character.

I had used the game to show that I am trying to be around people. I showed my therapist. I belong to these huge guilds. I participate in some contests. I contribute to the guilds. I belong to 5 of them and they have about 400 members in each. After I told that to my therapist there was this concerted effort against me on the game. They want to force me to join a group so they can plant people and tear me apart. I won’t participate. I’m not making myself vulnerable like that. I can’t disassociate and be out there in public trying to drive and make important decisions like that while I am in that place where I don’t know if I am screaming or if I am thinking of it. Those disassociation episodes can last days. There’s no way to know how long they will last or how bad they will be. These IdIoTTwins already tortured my sister to death in front of me. I know they want me dead. I would be a complete idiot to do anything they are pressuring me to do.

They had a character called “Pugwash” on the game today where I was. I have written about my Grandma’s dog before. They know I felt bad when the dog drown in a swimming pool because my sister and I had taught the dog to swim around in the pool with us. It wasn’t really our fault, but I still felt really bad. My Grandma was very upset, but she didn’t blame me or my sister. It’s very painful emotionally, though. They have drunk characters with my Dad’s name, or character names like “Pokemedaddy” and gross stuff like that. My Dad never molested me, but they treat me like he did. It’s very disturbing and disgusting even though my Dad never molested me. The way they pretend he did right in public in front of a bunch of people is sickening. It rips the heart right out of me. They have characters that brag about “mother” when they know my mom tortured and abused me. I get sick of seeing “mother” praised for hurting me and my sister…and my Dad. There’s too many to write out. That gives the general gist of it. And there’s all kinds of references to them being gods and having all the power. All kinds of bragging about bad things they do.

One of their main go-to’s is that since I am a Christian, then I have to try to save them. They think that all Christian women are just looking for a bad boy to save. I am completely repulsed by them. I tried to be nice to them a long time ago. They threw it back in my face and used it as a way to torture me. There’s a part in the Bible about offering peace to people. If they don’t want peace, then shake the dust off your feet, turn them over to God, and go on to the next place. Apparently they never met a Christian who believed like that before. They rejected my actions on that belief out of hand. They think everything the Catholic Church does in sort of worshipping martyrs is what all Christians do. I have consistently offered peace to their proxies and just walked away when I realized they weren’t interested in peace. At a certain point it is all between God and the sinner. There’s really very little we can do with people not interested in peace and cooperation at all.

I know they know this, but they never take it into account. I attended a church in Missouri while my husband was stationed in Panama for a year. I went to their counselor, who saw people for free who were members of the church. That’s the first time I heard about Adult Children of Alcoholics, Alcoholics Anonymous, and things like that. They talked about how children of alcoholics feel responsible for everything, but we have to fight against that. We have to slow down and think about what we are responsible for and what we are not. We need to do the Serenity Prayer…do what you can, pray for courage to do what you can, and leave the rest with God. I learned to live by that prayer. It changed my life. The information I learned from that counselor and the Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings changed my life. I was released from feeling responsible for my Dad’s alcoholism and my parents’ constant fighting. It grew inside me over the years. I believe it changed me from the inside out.

So twin idiots who are hell bent on acting like fools are not going to guilt trip me into trying to save them. I tried really hard for a time until I realized it was all a game and a con job of some sort for them. Then I cut them completely out of my life.

I still systematically cut them out of my life. Better to have very little in peace, than much in turmoil.

Their insistence that I have to try to save them has gotten so pathetic that they actually had my husband work it into a conversation. He was joking with me and then he said in a serious, commanding growl, “You HAVE to save me.” I laughed and said that I don’t have to save anyone. My title is not Savior. That would be Jesus. Talk to him if you need saving. James just grunted, which is not like him at all. He is a Christian too. He understands exactly what I am saying.

I purposely looked for a husband who did not drink, do drugs, and wasn’t sleeping with anyone he could. I looked for a Christian, who believed like I did. I picked someone to be my friend first and then elevated to love of my life. I wanted someone who would love me just as much in middle age and old age as he loved me at the beginning of our love. I found that. How shocking to find that behind the scenes are the exact shallow, stupid men I was trying to avoid all along! I have done everything I have been able to do to get away from those fool twins and their proxies. I am not changing now. More than ever I am staying away from them as much as possible. I want them completely out of my life. I have no interest in saving them. I don’t care what happens to them. They are responsible for what happens to them, not me. I will not be their enabler.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

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