I’m angry and frustrated since my latest “visit” with the psychiatrist. He can’t find a magic pill to stop my nightmares. Not my problem. Well, it is my problem, since I am the one suffering from the nightmares, but it’s not my fault the stupid pills aren’t working. The IdIoTTwins and the handlers behind the scenes purposely give me those nightmares and hallucinations. That psyche acts like this is all just face value, while doing things like calling me “Tina” several times, which is the name of a woman I worked with in Alaska. He’s such a plant. I want to slap him. I know everyone has to be a plant. Maybe he and my therapist are playing good psyche/bad psyche. If they are, then it is working on me, because I don’t like that guy.
Ironically, most of the session was about me not having friends. Back to the same stupid thing the IdIoTTwins and their family has tried to stigmatize me with for my entire life. I can’t have real friends. They won’t let me. Look how my own sister was killed for daring to really love me and be my friend. All my “friends” in grade school/high school were plants spouting the nonsense that the IdIoTTwins’ Family wanted me to believe. I’m very strong willed, so I was polite, but eventually broke off friendships with all of them. I was very goal oriented and had things to do, which meant I didn’t have time for the idle chattering and nattering those IdIoTTwins do. It’s just irritating and drains my life energy. I won’t waste my life on that. Since I would not really stay friends with the people they forced on me and I shunned the really awful people they were pushing me toward, and still are…then they smear me by saying I am socially awkward and weird. They make up all kinds of garbage. And now they have the psyche the planted for me to go to giving me pills that are for people with schizophrenia, even though I have been tested for that and do not have it. PTSD does have some schizophrenia symptoms, but even that I could survive. They are purposely putting people and things in my path to trigger the traumatic horror I felt when Christy died like she did. It closes me down. They they say I am a freak.
And they have a lot more than her death to use to freak me out because their family has been traumatizing me and my family for my whole life. Now everyone is gone and I have all this horrifying memories and really, no one to share them with. You know how when you went through something with someone it is more comforting to just be around them maybe on those days of the year or something like that. Even the small comforts are gone.
The psyche is definitely a plant and clueless. I think he falls for the IdIoTTwins whole polished power and money routine. I think he thinks he has really arrived since he is treating a patient for powerful people like that. I think he will do what they want. If I leave there, he will just turn the next psyche against me, but there hardly are any of them in this area anyway and at least my insurance accepts this one…so. As for the “friends”. The IdIoTTwins want to plant someone in my life to do the repetitious chattering brainwashing and also to jab me and hurt me as much as possible. The friends I really make always have tragedies happen to them or they sort of disappear. The IdIoTTwins hate the kind of free thinking, creative people, who I like.
I’m so grateful to God that James slipped through the cracks. They didn’t think we would last. A lot of stuff has always been said around me and James about “most people do this” and “most marriages turn out like that”. They put a ridiculous amount of faith in what the norm is.
They are so arrogant that they consider themselves far above the rest of us and can only understand what we will do by these studies done on the commoners. We are just common folk for them to treat like breeding animals. It’s sickening. But at least now I know where that whole weird arrogant attitude has come from throughout my life. It has been consistent. I never dreamed someone was watching me all the time. It’s creepy. They are the freaks. They put characters in the game I play with names like “watches-you-poop” and other immature, gross things. That is them. You would like to think it’s a little kid. No. It’s these ultra rich, ultra psycho idiots with no limits. Very creepy and disgusting people.
Now the psyche thinks I should go back to Alaska. I told him how bad it was for me and how I couldn’t function there. He said it really wasn’t that bad. I didn’t realize he had been living my life for me. I guess since he lived 25 years in Alaska being tortured by the disgusting IdIoTTwins especially in how they attacked me as a woman…he must have some deep insight. Wait a second. He barely knows the IdIoTTwins. He has never lived in Alaska. And he is not a married woman with those fools trying to destroy his marriage for the entire time I have been married. He has no insight at all. He’s not likely to get any either if he can’t listen to me when I go in.
He asked if my therapist was giving me ideas for getting out and making friends. I said she has been, but I haven’t been able to. He grunted, like we should have been able to do that by now. That is exactly the impatience Billy had with Christy. That is the impatience the IdIoTTwins have shown toward me. There’s this constant disapproval from the IdIoTTwins and their crowd. They send people by to literally look down at me and make disapproving faces. I ignore it, but I always have. What they want is for me to break and “make friends” with those kinds of people. They want me to kiss butt and I won’t do it. They do enough butt kissing with each other for all of the people on the earth.
I’m not “paying my dues”. I’m not pushing myself until I snap because there’s always some fool sent from them saying, “It’s not that bad”. “You don’t have it that bad.” “I haven’t been that hard on you.” And the never ending stories of other people’s accomplishments because they “didn’t quit”. “You can’t quit. That’s the worst thing you could do.” I bought into that my whole life. Then I saw Christy and Dad die the way they did. I have PTSD and have had multiple break downs. I haven’t gotten to accomplish anything I wanted to, except stay married to James. Christy and Dad didn’t get to accomplish what they wanted to. Unless you kiss their asses, you don’t get to accomplish anything. And then they blame me when they are the ones who have been undermining me and setting up blocks to everything I have ever tried to do.
I’m done with playing by their rules. I am going to take care of myself. I am not being “friends” with people I know are Trojan Horses, sent to get inside my defenses and destroy me, just for the fun of it for the twins. I’m not changing therapists. That “psyche you out” psychiatrist is close to being a footnote on a page of my life, though. I don’t have to go to him.