Another day in hell.
Had nightmares that I could not move my body. I could not put my hair up. I could not put ice cubes in my drink. I woke up several times with a cry of frustration and fear. It was like being paralyzed. My mom and grandma both had strokes and couldn’t care for themselves. My granny had heart attacks and was in a vegetative state for 3 years or more. These people can force me to be paralyzed. They can cause me to have directed dreaming. They are constantly threatening me and attacking me.
Got up tired and shaken. I had a migraine. I got on the internet in hopes of getting to talk to my husband before he went to bed after getting off of night shift. After a few hours I was still groggy and disoriented. My husband got on the internet so we could talk for free. I was happy to hear him.
We started telling each other what has happened since we talked yesterday. It’s not much, really, but we tell each other incidents out of our days in entertaining ways. I do it just to make him happy. Maybe he has always done it because he knows we have an audience….
Just stop and think of everything you have ever said, even in your most vulnerable moments, were recorded and were witnesses by scientific type observers. You are like a bug under a glass to them, while you are telling your husband how much you sincerely love him. And this is what makes it even worse, when you don’t think it can get worse. When you tell your husband how much you love him, whoever is watching pretends you are really talking to them. When you are mad at your husband though, or sick, or in any need, then suddenly they are bound by professional practice to not get involved. Suddenly the watchers can’t take any responsibility and can’t help at all.
AND if you say or do something that upsets the watchers you are not even aware of, they can completely ruin your life. For some reason professional distance doesn’t apply when they are throwing fits and causing stupid to happen in my life in waves of attacks that put me so far behind I can never catch up. They sabotage my entire life, but when I need help, they can’t help and no one can help me.
Back to me and my husband talking. Then my husband starts throwing his skit in that he has to run on me for the IdIoTTwin watchers. He tells me about this woman he works with whose whole life has fallen apart. He tells me that he told her, “You know you are targeted, so just be thankful for this one thing even if it isn’t really what you wanted, for you don’t go crazy.”
Then he was telling me about this conversation they had about telemarketers from really poor countries who don’t even know what Publisher’s Clearing House is, but try to use it to get your credit card number. The woman he works with said that she told the telemarketer that he was a scammer. He cursed her and told her she was dying in her sleep tonight. I said that I would curse him right back. How dare he call me and curse me! I wouldn’t put up with that crap for a minute. I said I would say stuff I know would happen to them. Like I can bet they live in a country with bad sanitation, so I would tell them that their stomach would burn and their guts would turn to liquid or something like that. My husband paused a minute. Always the few second delay when they are talking right into his ear. Then he said what Trump said a little while ago. Something like, “Yeah, those are all shit holes anyway.” I laughed because I thought he was making fun of Trump. Then he said, “There’s nothing but a bunch of stupid darkies down there anyway.” I laughed because he never talks like that. It’s nervous laughter. I said, “I would never say anything like that, uhhhh….”
Then my husband started talking about this show on Netflix we are both watching. We are still talking in a fast, joking way. He starts complaining about two girls kissing in the show and how sick he is of the gay thing. I didn’t say anything. I know people are listening to us. I am now starting to get the vibe that everything is a trap. They are trying to prove that I am racist and against gay people. James pursues the gay theme. Finally I said the truth. I’m not into the gay stuff, but when it’s girl on girl, I think it’s really porn for men. That’s been around forever. I think men go around acting like they are so shocked, but if it’s girl on girl it still keeps being shown on tv and movies. But you don’t see guy on guy hardly at all. That’s what men don’t like. It doesn’t matter what someone like me thinks. As usual you can tell men are really in charge. It’s obvious. James just said, “oh” and didn’t pursue it anymore. I didn’t say the part about men in charge, but I said the rest.
This whole programmed skit James had to run through has a lot packed into it. Straight out said in the skit, “You know you are targeted”, and basically might as well accept it so you don’t go crazy. They are obviously gaslighting and saying I am crazy. They are threatening to do something to me by saying I am crazy. The “shit hole” is what they think of the country place where I have moved to. They think they have forced me into some horrible place, because they hate it. To them it is a place “where nothing but a bunch of darkies live”. This is one of the most racially charged towns in Oklahoma and always has been. This ties in with skits they had my nieces running on me. I will write about those later in this entry. This little town is adorable, but it has a bunch of backwards white supremacist idiots in it and around it. It has generationally oppressed and segregated minorities.
The IdIoTTwins spin it both ways to destroy me. They say I am a racist to the minorities. They say that is why I am “shy” and standoffish. I’m standoffish with everyone. I’m beyond “once bitten, twice shy”. I am “trampled and left for dead, more than once, but managed to survive, so I am on guard with everyone”. They plant minorities in my life like they use any other people.
And with the uppity people trying to preserve civilization and not succumb to the rabble, they tell them how I am a rebel, a rabble rouser, a dissident, nice to all the wrong people. If any of the people with a bit of power like me, then the gossip the IdIoTTwins fall back on is the “crazy” story. Then they run every kind of psy-op on me until I am temporarily out of it, and they use that to prove I am crazy. And they can point out previous times when I have fallen apart and been “crazy”.
One of the latest they have brought back out. Actually at this point, they have run every kind of smear campaign on me. It’s all the same stuff. If it wasn’t ruining my life, I would be bored. Really, I am still bored. The thought of dealing with this asinine immature tedium for the rest of my life makes me wish I could die in my bed tonight. Oh, and speaking of that. I meant to point out, that even that was a threat against me. I had those nightmares where it was like a stroke last night. Then they had James telling me a story where he says directly to me, “You are going to die in your bed tonight”. It’s supposed to be some sub-conscious fear tactic. Yawn. I’ve been putting up with this exact same stuff for Eighteen Thousand Eight Hundred and Fifty Four Days. I’ve lived through enough trials and tests for a dozen life times.
The last time I went out to dinner with my nieces they had to run their skits to, while I watch. It always turns into an ad for their dad, who I cannot stand. He let my sister die in a kind of unthinkable pain that is unheard of in the modern age. Really, it was unheard of in any age. People always had morphine, opium, and various other things. But, we never address anything real. It’s always stupid. When life gets stupid, it’s the IdIoTTwins.
So the nieces explain how they could have gone to high school in the little town I am living in. They said their dad had thought it through very well. And they threw in the usual plugs for their step mom. It’s just like watching a political ad. Then they throw in “We would go to the school on this end of town where the white kids go. Not the school on the other side with the black kids and others in it.” They repeated it a few times. I smiled politely and didn’t say anything. If I say anything against their dad I get the melodramatic, overly wounded reaction while they explain to me, like I am almost brain dead, that that is their dad, the only parent they have that is still alive. It’s a trap. If I say anything about this ridiculous racist sounding skit, then they will attack me with the “wounded kids who only have their daddy left” skit. And it is used to smear my reputation. Or I politely say nothing and the IdIoTTwins use it to prove I am racist.
This is how every single thing in my life is. I never get to have one real human moment with another person. It’s all politicized. I represent a demographic. We all do. I represent a certain consumer type. And anywhere I go, or anything I do brings money to different places. I will give you an example:
I like to use Fresh Step Clay Cat Litter. I like the old fashioned stuff that you throw out when it is gross. I don’t like this scoop stuff. It’s become increasingly hard for me to find the cat litter that is not scoop-able. I ordered some cat food this week for delivery. Miraculously when the person delivered it, the cat food came with a big bucket of the scoop-able stuff.
They will keep trying to force me into it, but I’m not using it. I don’t care how much they can get from whatever company if I will use the stuff.
I remember when they had me chemically restrained in Alaska and no matter how much I asked or even wrote down that I wanted Dove deodorant, my husband brought back Secret. I told him I wanted something that was the feel of the Dove stuff and not slime, like Secret. He just kept bringing the junk in. I was awakening, so when I was alone, I stood up and screamed at the ceiling, “I don’t want to put snot under my arms. Get me Dove!” Well, they sent more Secret, but eventually I got solid Secret and not the slimy stuff.
Ok. I feel I am wandering. Sorry. I have a lifetime of stuff I could talk about. Thank you for listening. If you are targeted, hopefully it helps in some way.