Encouraged and Destroyed

When I go to therapists or anyone for encouragement I am told to find something I like and do that.  Find something you are passionate in and become a part of it.  I found a couple of places on the internet and YouTube that I could really get behind.  As soon as I started doing just a little bit, like making the tee shirts and re-posting items, the places came into a lot of money and then either changed a lot, or ended.  This is exactly what happens every time.

The people against me, who are trying to “handle” me, really mean they want to force me to support them.  They have people say stupid stuff to me, like “if you accidentally brush against me, I will break your legs”.  Seriously?  That to me is just saying openly that they are going to abuse me and I just have to deal with it.

So, here it is, my sister’s death day.  My favorite on-line show is calling it quits.  After a few weeks ago when they said they wouldn’t be sell outs and they would fight no matter what.  Now they are saying the trolls are too horrible.  It’s probably true.  I mean, my trolls killed my sister.  They ruined my dad’s life.  They put my mom in our family as a plant.  I’m glad there is anything left of these people to even go on.

This is a major reason why I am afraid to be really friendly with anyone.  I feel like only bad is going to come to them.

Oh, and the other group I liked, changed phone numbers and contact information. I can’t find the information on their site anymore.  Maybe it will get put back up some day.  Or maybe it is up and I can’t see it because of the ones attacking my life and controlling what I get to see and not see.

This group today said that they had behind the scenes differences.  I’m sure that was true.  Even for what we saw on air, it was obvious they had completely different approaches to life and everything about life.  Being under stress would only make that harder.  But as they were talking a troll was in chat saying one of the ladies took bribes and that dark people aren’t attacked – blatant lies and racism.  That is MY troll!  Those are MY trolls!  I am so sorry if me re-posting and getting encouragement from their show caused them to be attacked like I get attacked.  The attacks I get are pure hate.  Pure hate.  It’s personal.  It is not just random nonsense, like it feels sometimes.  It all gets tied together in a vicious hate knot by the time one part of it finishes.

Oh well.  They still have a lot of old shows and information I haven’t made it through.  I will keep doing that.

We can only do the best we can against terrible odds.

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